If I say this phrase – BDSM – what comes to mind? Leather, whips, chains, high-heeled boots, gags, heavy restraints and probably pain, right? For most people, the image of Bondage, or BDSM, connotes all of these things and probably much worse. They can't find even the remotest interest in exploring it because of the way it has been portrayed in the movies, media or in our own imaginations!
Well, I am here to tell you – BDSM does not have to be anything like what you have imagined! Playful bondage – the kind that will be discussed here – can and is an extremely pleasurable experience for both partners – and can heighten the arousal to levels not previously attained – and all without pain! click here
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What Is Bondage?
Since you are at the beginning of your exciting journey , let me begin with some definitions – so that we may all begin on the same metaphoric page. Many people don't even know what BDSM stands for.
B – stands for Bondage
D – stands for Discipline
S – stands for Submission
M – stands for Masochism
Now, let's say it all together: Bondage, Discipline, Submission and Masochism. The elements when put all together basically mean: being restrained, dominated and made to submit to your partner’s demands (and being disciplined when you don't) and deriving sexual pleasure from the infliction of differing levels of pain.
The most important thing to remember about bondage play is that the level of intensity is completely up to you and your partner! Any of these elements may be removed, so just take it one step at a time and do what you feel comfortable with. The most important thing in any sexual play is pleasure – do what feels good for you and your lover! Click here
I believe that BDSM has gotten a bad reputation over the years – and that people are sometimes afraid to even approach the idea of bondage with their lover for fear that they will be bound and gagged and made to do horrible things that will give them no pleasure what-so-ever! So, let us begin S L O W L Y – and let me bring you into the realm of light bondage and show you just how very pleasurable of an experience it can and should be! Click here
Ground Rules
When dealing with bondage play it is essential to have some basic ground rules. I always suggest that the couple sit down in a non-sexual situation and discuss where their comfort zone is. Perhaps go through a checklist to ensure that you are both on the same page. Click here
- Discuss how you are willing to be tied –i.e. only arms, no legs
- Discuss what you are willing to have done in your impaired position – i.e. you can kiss me, touch me, but please let me free to have sex
- Discuss what sensations you absolutely hate or make you uncomfortable – i.e. I don't like ice on my clit, no sexy toys, don't want my penis tied with anything.
- Discuss what would really make you uncomfortable in general – i.e. don't leave the room while I am tied.
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Safe Word
Bondage communities have two safety terms they use: SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink). These terms mean that you should always have consensual play with your partner, you should never be impaired and you should be safe with your play.
In order to be safe, you should agree upon a safe word to use in the event that one of you feels uncomfortable. This word should be something unusual that you wouldn't say otherwise – like “groundhog.” Getting the “rules” of play established not only makes you more at ease that nothing bad will happen, but it gets you more excited about what is going to happen while you play.
Start Slow
Since this is a beginner's guide – I will ease you in slowly, showing you how to tantalize and tease your lover and bring them to new heights of ecstasy with basic bondage techniques. More couples practice bondage than people think. For example: holding down your lover’s arms during sex, blindfolding them, tying them to the bed with a pair of pantyhose, spanking them during foreplay – these are all forms of playful bondage.
The reason that bondage play is so arousing is because we are eliminating one or more of our senses – and this heightens our other senses and makes them much more in tune to what is going on around us or happening to us.
When we take away one of our senses – let’s say our sense of sight - with a blindfold all the activity that is going on around us takes on another level of intensity. Our ears will become more acute to all the noises in the room and suddenly the sound a drawer opening is something that causes us a little apprehension and anticipation. What is he getting out of the drawer? Suddenly we hear a buzzing noise – is that a sex toy? All of these noises would have not caused this sensory reaction if we could see what the noises were, where they were coming from and what was going to happen to us. We become more aroused because of the curiosity of the unknown!
If you then take away another sense - let's say the sense of touch - by limiting movement with some light restraints, you have stepped up the game. I highly suggest the Ultimate bed bondage straint kit for beginners, it comes with 4 sets of restraints for ankles and wrists AND a mattress strap so you can easily live out your fantasy in your own bed. The cuffs are super soft too, making them ideal for newbies and experienced users alike!
When two senses are impaired, the experience is doubly heightened. Now our sub-conscious tells us that we are immobilized – which is an unnatural state for the body to be in. Meanwhile, our conscious self which has consented to the activity, is aroused by the possibilities of being tantalized by our lover while we are immobile. As our conscious battles our sub-conscious, our lover is using our heightened state of arousal to tease us and tantalize us – and is also using our heightened arousal to arouse him / herself. It is a win-win situation!
The final thing to decide in this scenario is – how will you be dressed or undressed while you are tied down? My suggestion is nude! There is nothing quite like being spread eagle on a bed with your legs and wrists tied to the bedposts and eyes covered by a silky blindfold! You are completely helpless to fight off whatever sexual delights he or she has in store for you while you are tied helpless and horny to the bed! Trust me – you will LOVE IT! Click here
Teasing
When I suggest to you that you should start with a feather– I meant that literally! Once you have decided on your state of undress – and the state of immobility – it is time to let the teasing begin! For the remainder of the discussion, I will refer to the person who is tied down as the SUBMISSIVE and the person who is doing the teasing as the DOMINANT.
The beauty of bondage is that the submissive can't move or fight off the sexual feelings that she or he will be having! It is a very powerful and erotic position for the Dominant to be in. It is also a very exciting position for the submissive. Personally, I get equal pleasure from both positions, but my heart lies with the submissive position.
This is a unique opportunity to experiment with a wide range of sensual touches – things that would surprise you lover upon contact with her or his skin. Feathers or silky fabrics are a very sensual tools when used in bondage. They tickle, they excite, they make the skin’s neurotransmitters go crazy when passed along the skin! It is a totally wicked sensation to be tied down and have a feather or a silk scarf run up and down your thighs or around your breasts – the possibilities for teasing are endless!
Oral
The tongue is a wonderful thing. It can bring such wonderful sensations to the neck, ears, face, mouth, chest – and of course, the clit or penis! Oral sex during bondage is an extremely powerful experience! The power involved with oral sex is one that many women still don't realize that they have.
When the Dominant has oral sex with the submissive, the experience is completely different. The submissive feels vulnerable and helpless to stop the pleasure, but this is a good thing! Here the use of warming gels would be a great addition! Imagine being tied and blindfolded and having your lover giving you oral sex that suddenly heats up! What an amazing surprise and sensation! The possibilities are infinite!
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Toys Anyone?
The Dominant takes unique pleasure in his or her position of power over the submissive by devising new ways to pleasure his / her lover. One such way is the use of sex toys. Most sex toys make some kind of noise – so when they are turned on – the submissive hears the “buzzing” of the toy and gets an anticipatory, anguishing excitement that will be very apparent to the Dominant.
Some of the best types of toys to use in beginning play are finger vibes– because these toys allow the Dominant to tease all parts of the submissive’s body with the tantalizing vibrations. The nipples, tummy, thighs and clit can be teased and played with all without the submissive knowing what is coming next or the ability to move away or fight the orgasm that is surely building!
The men are not left out – these wonderful massage's can be used on his nipples, tummy, balls, shaft and penis head to accomplish just as much pleasure as when used on her erogenous zones! Of course, he is tied down and can't make you stop touching his ‘sensitive areas’ either- so enjoy the power while you can!
Advanced Toy Play
If you and your lover are comfortable enough to go beyond “just teasing” each other while immobilized, then there is a whole other level to bondage play to explore. The use of sex toys can be increased to include full-on penetration with your submissive while she or he is tied. Sex toys in general bring such an element of eroticism to the bedroom – imagine how that sensuality and excitement would be increased if you didn't know what toy your lover had picked, when he was going to use it, and you were helpless to stop the use of the toy?
Many couples participate in sex toy play – however, many women do the playing themselves, allowing their partners to watch. Imagine now how excited your lover will become when he gets to become an active participant in your pleasure! It is such a step up from regular sex toy play.
There are only 2 rules in this portion: consent and lubrication. You should never, ever insert a sex toy into your lover without consent. Being tied down and / or blindfolded is a precarious position to be in, though enjoyable – you should never surprise your lover with the insertion of a sex toy! Second, lube is essential to make sure that there is no pain!
Now then – the sky is the limit as far as what toys you want to go with. Personally, my lover and I enjoy playing with our vibes while I am immobilized because they will drive me WILD – and he loves to watch it! We also sometimes go anal if I am tied on my hands and knees and then we go with anal beads. It is all about preference and comfort. You may want to go with something simpler – I prefer to go with the big guns.
Going All The Way
Now, if you are really taking it all the way from start to finish – and want to use bondage as more than just a foreplay tool – you can consider having sex while your partner is still tied up. For me, I feel extremely aroused when my man is tied down and I am riding on him and I have all the control of the speed, position, depth, etc. Many people would prefer not to be tied at this point – perhaps they want to touch, see each other, move around – that is personal preference. Again, this is all about personal preference!
For me, I enjoy either taking that control with my man or having him pound away on me while only my legs are free! I don't feel degraded or taken advantage of. I know I can be let out at any moment. So, as far as this step goes – use your judgment – do what is comfortable for you and your lover!
Spanking & Rough Stuff
It is true that some people do enjoy a little bit of pain with their pleasure – I am one of those people. Now don't go running for the hills – I am not talking about drawing blood here - again, another article altogether - I am speaking of a little spanking. If you are not interested in that – by all means, that is your call. However, for those of you who are – this section is for you!
Spanking is the #1 “fetish” activity confessed by American women! I am proud to say that I am one of those American women who loves a good spanking! In fact, when my man gets going good – I will cum! I literally can cum just from spanking! So, don't knock it until you have tried it!
Whether you like a bare hand, or a Paddle, spanking can be so exhilarating! A firm “smack” on the rear brings blood to the back of the body and causes heat to rise! It is definitely an acquired taste – and should be approached slowly – starting gently and getting harder depending on what you like personally!
Nipple Play
Many women fully admit to liking their nipples “tweaked” – and some women will admit to liking their nipples tweaked a little harder than most. What may be considered painful for some women, may be considered pleasurable for others.
There is a whole line of products designed just for women like me and you – Nipple Clamps and pumps– that will give you the “pressure” that you are craving! Now be advised that these products are not for the faint at heart – many of them do get a nice hearty grip on your nip (hey, good rhyme!) and others just attach lightly. So, decide what level of comfort you want, and perhaps give it a try!
Beginning BDSM
If anything came through in this article, I hope it was that BDSM doesn't have to be scary and full of pain, but alternatively can and should be extremely enjoyable! As long as both partners trust in the other, feel that they want to explore the possibilities of bondage play, and are willing to tell the other when they become uncomfortable – the sky is the limit as to how sensual the experience can become!
